“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end” ~Robin Sharma
I wish I had written in my journal at the beginning of my sober journey. I’ve journaled on and off for years. I have a handful of them around the house, most are unfinished, with the exception of the one I started the day after Christmas when I was 102 days sober. If I had journaled it would have been much easier to write about this now, but I’ll see what my Mommy memory can recall.
I remember the first week was OK, I needed the break after my trip to Vegas. There was certaintly some awkwardness with me not drinking. It was part of my daily routine starting with that first glass of wine as soon as I walked in the door after work. Then a glass while cooking dinner. A glass during dinner. And then the bottle was almost gone so I’ll just finish it off. The small bottles just didn’t seem to cut it anymore so I started buying the big bottles. Especially when Friday night rolled around.
In my current role at work I was continuouly learning and engaging in tasks out of my comfort zone, so I remember using that as an excuse all the time. “I’ve had a stressful day I need a drink”, which was really every day. I even remember sitting at my desk one day at 1 o’clock in the afternoon with thoughts already going through my mind, “I can’t wait to get home and have a drink”. My husband still drinks so it was weird at first. He wasn’t sure if he should not drink around me or what to do. He mostly drinks beer or whiskey, which is not my drink of choice so that didn’t really bother me.
It was the first social events without alcohol that were the hardest. There was the first time going out to dinner with friends. The waitress went around the table while everyone placed their drink orders. The anxiety and anticipation about what to order. The urge to just order a glass of Pinot Noir. However, I found that once I ordered my seltzer water with lime I was good! I could still enjoy the conversation and have a good time without drinking.
A couple weeks after that night, I headed to a friends house for a get together while listening to an audio book called “This Naked Mind, Control Alcohol” By Annie Grace. It really gives you a ton of information on what really happens in your brain when consuming alcohol. I had just hit my 30 day milestone. Previous get togethers had ended with me getting so drunk I passed out by 11pm. I packed a case of seltzer and was mentally prepared when I got there. I had so much fun! After that night I realized I didn’t need the alcohol to have a good time. As long as I was around good true friends, I really enjoyed myself. And I never laughed so much in my life!
I drove home that night feeling great knowing I would wake up the next morning without a hangover and remember every part of the night. What an amazing feeling! I could totally do this for only 100 days.