Head Above Water

“Keep your head up. Keep your heart strong”

I wrote this last night.

Every day is hard lately. I feel like no matter what I do I am always behind.  Yes, I have a busy schedule, but doesn’t everybody?! Between work and the kids schedules I just can’t seem to find the time to get everything done. 

Every night I want to write a blog post when it’s fresh in my mind, but then I’m always too tired. I ask myself if I am crazy? Trying to add writing every day on top of a schedule I seem to already be drowning in.  I just can’t do this. It’s another thing I put on my list of things I want to do and seem to never accomplish. You know, like eating heathy every day, or telling myself I will get up every morning and exercise. It all lasts a couple days then I am right back to my old ways and feeling like a complete failure.  

Work has picked up and I’m overwhelmed per usual.  I have an interview for a new job this week that I need to start prepping for.  I CANNOT mess this up because it’s my ticket off this 2-year roller coaster in my current role. We have baseball/softball every single day, and I WILL NOT miss a game.  My kids come first, and I always want them to know their mom was on the sidelines at every game cheering them on.  I want to be there, and I will be there.

I was mad at myself today for sleeping in when I had told myself I would get up and exercise before going to baseball. I’ve been trying so hard to not think about food, but how can I not? Quitting booze seemed way easier than this. I could eliminate wine completely; however, you can’t eliminate food.  I just keep reading book after book and applying all the different theories to overcome this eating disorder, but still I still seem to be in this dark hole.

I keep trying to change my thoughts to positive ones, and think through every choice I make such as asking myself if it will get me towards my goals or not. Just when I think it’s working; I find some way to mess it all up. 

I feel like I have 2 minds living in one body. One mind wants one thing, the other wants something else and they constantly battle and fight. And I feel like I always lose.

I want to accept this body of mine and love myself and be truly happy. But the truth is I don’t. I hate this body. I am miserable and depressed. No, I will not give up trying to over come this, but right now I don’t have it all figured out, and I am having a really tough time.

As I drove to Jonah’s game today, I listened to a song over and over again. Avril Lavigne’s “Head Above Water.”  I know her story is about fighting Lyme disease, but the lyrics hit me so hard.  I could relate them to my life and how I feel right now.  I had tears coming down my face.   

Most days I have been doing so well at staying positive, but today I had a bad day.  I know we all have bad days, and that’s OK, but I can’t help feeling like a failure for having one.   I have so much to be thankful for in this life, my heart is so full.  Yet my brain is fighting for inner peace and happiness. 

 I am fighting so hard.  God, please don’t let me drown.

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