“I didn’t come this far, to only get this far”
After almost a month of practicing the tools I’ve learned from my self-help books I successfully had stopped my binge eating. Until last night that is. I relapsed.
First let’s talk about how my day is going. Today is my work from home day. That is always #1 on my Thursday morning gratitude list. It’s up there with I am thankful I have a job and can pay my bills, even if it’s one I do not like. All the Blessings.
Around 12:30pm today I received a call from the school nurse to inform me that my daughter, Charlotte, needed to be picked up. I was still in my pajamas. The nurse tells me Char has a rash on her face that looks like a staph like skin infection called Impetigo. It’s severely contagious and she needs to go to the doctor this afternoon and can’t return to school tomorrow either. Yes, I have recently noticed some red bumps, and didn’t think anything of it. The other morning Char told me they made her look weird. Oops.
I call and make an appointment before heading to the school to get Char. When we return home I decide to take a shower since I will have to go to the doctor’s office and pharmacy (the nurse got my best work from home day look). If it had been any other day I probably would have done my usual dry shampoo and perfume, however this was day 3 of not washing my hair so I was looking like a hot mess x 1000. When I got out of the shower we find that the dog and the new puppy have had a tug a war over my daughter’s newly purchased and VERY expensive build-a-bear, “Flower Alyson”. Char finds it first. She is able to hold it together because she knows “Grammy can fix it”. She knows Mom has no sewing skills. You just can’t have it all, I’ve always said. I couldn’t really deal with that at the moment so I closed the bedroom door on the stuffing covered floor.
When I was back at my desk I kept thinking we needed to be at the doctor’s office by 2:30. At 2:12 I realized that the receptionist had said 2:15. We were 10 minutes late, which is the story of my life. For real, no exaggeration. I can never seem to be on time. I just suck at that part of life. I am not OK with it, it really does irritate me just as much as it does everyone else, however I have found as much success trying to change that part of my life that I have in trying to become a morning person. Yet I don’t give up, every day is a fresh start.
One positive take away from today is that this was the first time I was at the doctor’s office during school hours since Char started on her ADHD medication in December 2018. A typical visit would feel like we were in a closet with her bouncing off the walls, climbing everything, spinning or trying to stand on the chair with wheels, and leaving to go to the bathroom 3 times. I was pleasantly surprised. This time it was different. Her medication had not worn off like it usually has by the time 5pm pickup rolls around. It was like a breath of fresh air. I love my daughter more than I can ever express in words, but she has been, and still is, quite a challenging one. We leave with an Impetigo diagnosis and head to the Pharmacy for a cream to put on 3 times a day for the next 7-10 days. At some point she watched a YouTube video on how to make a homemade lava lamp and has been bugging me to make it even after I have repeatedly told her we don’t have the necessary supplies. She has not let this go and it’s now 5:33pm. Currently she is in the kitchen crying to my husband the reasons why we need to make this right now. She gets fixated on things and can’t seem to let them go. From what I am over hearing of this conversation and my “yes” to the fact that we do indeed have food coloring, we may actually be doing this after dinner with what ingredients we can find. Sigh. I was also just asked why I wasn’t making dinner yet and told “we are all starving and hungry because of that?” Another sigh.
I was supposed to exercise today on my “lunch break”, which didn’t happen. I had a long to-do list for work that did not get accomplished. Looks like I’ll staying home with a contagious kid tomorrow. And lets pray JJ does not catch this! The day has not gone as planned, as usual, and it is not over so we will see what else happens. A lot can happen from 5:30 until bedtime. But I keep pushing along, I can’t give up.
Back to last night. I binged. It started with making Char popcorn when we got home from school and work. Then some Pirates Booty (why is this stuff so damn addicting?!) Well I might as well just finish the bag, I thought. While cleaning out the kids lunch bags I ate the sour cream and onion Pringles and Fritos that didn’t get eaten. I really should stop but now I want something sweet so I will have some mega stuffed Oreos, left over Reese’s eggs and some airheads. Two of everything just to be even. I made grilled cheeses for dinner which I really wasn’t going to eat because by now I am not hungry, but they looked so good so I’ll have one of those too. Then more sweets. Cool whip with a spoon right out of the container, next to the peanut butter jar, chocolate chips, and some more Reese’s.
When all said and done, I felt bloated and uncomfortable from bingeing. This is when the negative self talk shows up to the party. I decided to write my thoughts in my journal so I could get it all out and then move forward.
I felt awful. I felt the guilt. The shame. I’m so bloated. My mean girl brain started talking to me. You’re so fat. You’re so gross and disgusting. You’re a failure. You’re not good enough. Just give up. You’ll be like this forever, you’ll never be able to change. You’ll never be normal. You’re ugly. You’re not smart enough, you can’t even control yourself. PEOPLE, I THOUGHT ALL THE BAD THINGS! The things I’ve worked so hard not to think or say in the last month. Why today? It was actually a good day for me. I was excited about a new internal position at work in a different department that posted that I wanted to go for.
I thought about how it seemed different this time. All my previous bingeing I usually felt out of control. This time I felt like I knew exactly what I was doing, and even though it’s not truly what I want, I did it anyway. Why? I’m trying to do all the things the books say to do. Listen to what my therapist has been telling me for years. Why am I not fixed? Please God, I just want to be fixed. More than anything I want this eating disorder to be gone and stop taking over my thoughts, my feelings, my life. I feel trapped by my own brain. Over food! It’s ridiculous. Life is too short, I want to enjoy every minute of it!
I wrote in my journal about what I really want, as I have done so many times before. How I want to feel good. I want to feel energized. I want a healthy relationship with food and exercise. I want to feel alive, and not like a slug. I want food freedom. I want to feel beautiful. I want to love myself inside and out. I want inner peace. I just want to be happy! I can read all the books I want, but I know I am the only one that can change it. I don’t have it all figured out, but I need to keep trying.
So I end my journal entry with these words. Pony up babe, don’t give up, and show your brain who’s boss.
Update: We had all but the glowstick 🙂